Dear lord

How is it possible that a 15(?) year old girl looks like she could pass for a super sexy 20 year old. I’m so confused right now. It’s all your fault, marketers, for making young girls want to be super sexy at such a young age. It’s disturbingly effective and kind of saddens me. It really contributes to the superficial view we end up holding of other people, how we don’t give a fuck about what kind of person they are if our first impression is simply, “oh, s/he’s unattractive.”

It’s really weird when you realize that younger girls like older guys in positions of power. I had a friend who was substitute teaching at my old high school, and he’d tell me how all the girls had crushes on him. Now I know what that feels like, and it’s flattering and creepy at the same time. Flattering because, let’s face it, who doesn’t like getting attention from really attractive, albeit illegal, girls. Creepy because, well you know, they’re 16 and I’m 24 going on 25 and I could go to jail.

Today, I was assisting an old classmate of mine with teaching about 35 kids how to properly march, so that when they come back to band camp next month, they will have the basics. Part of my job is going up to individual kids and showing them how to do something, while my classmate E does the general instructions. I’m pretty much the specific tweaker. I think I’m good at this because I’m a perfectionist, so I’m good at being very very nitpicky. You know, I’m the one who tells you exactly how it should be done, and then comes back to correct you every two minutes.

Anyway, my job involves a lot of body positioning, because the majority of these kids, like the majority of people everywhere, have horrible posture. My job is to make sure they look consistent, from instrument position to the way they stand, to having their feet together. You actually have to move their bodies around to make sure they know how it feels to stand straight. It is really irritating at times, because for some of these kids, it takes forever.

Anyway, it seems to obvious to me now when someone is constantly staring at me, that they’re interested in the grown-up/authority figure side of me. Of course I know that they couldn’t possibly relate to or understand me. I feel like most of these girls are still emotionally growing into their already developed bodies. The boys, on the other hand, are both growing emotionally and physically. Me, I’m done growing physically. It’s all downhill from here. I think my emotional growth has peaked somewhat, and now I’m regressing.

I have to confess: there’s one girl who, in five years, will be the type of girl I could never have. It’s one of those feelings you recognize in yourself and others, the knowing of something concrete. It’s strange. I hope she doesn’t turn into one of those beautiful people who feel like they’re better than everyone just because they look good. It’s weird to think about where these kids will be in 5 years. High school is totally the time and place where they’ll develop into adults, or close to it.

I need to stop being so goal-driven. Being back at this school made me realize how much fun it is to just sit back and hang out and do some work for fun. I’m not getting anything out of this job, except the satisfaction of knowing I helped some kids achieve the goal of being good at marching. Sure, I’m getting paid, but it isn’t a career, and getting paid for two days of work is kinda silly. I’m not concerned about the money, because $100 or something like that isn’t going to do anything to alleviate the $5k worth of debt I’m carrying right now.

One thought on “Dear lord

  1. Between my wife and I we have 32K student loans, and 7K credit card. In our defense, much of this is due to unfortunate happenings as opposed to lack of frugal living.

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