It is the way it is

The last month has been incredibly difficult.

On the 15th of February, I broke up with the girl I had been dating for a year.  Over the phone.  She is in England for a study-abroad semester.  Two weeks after I broke up with her, she told me she had slept with someone else on the 14th.  I became unreasonably upset, shaved my head, and was in a bad state for several days.  I had no reason to be upset:  I had wanted to date other people, our relationship wasn’t really a relationship because I had never fully committed, even though we had been dating exclusively for a long long time.  We had cheated on each other.  I had loved her.  She had loved me.  I wanted to break up with her but couldn’t.  Doesn’t this sound like the typical tripe everyone writes about?  I’m not an angsty teenager any longer.
At the moment, she is with that someone in Ireland.  I recently came to the conclusion that I want her back.  But I am leaving in two months, going back to LA, then moving to Virginia in August.  My parents decided that it was within their power to let me attend Hollins.  I am sure that no other school will offer me better funding, and as it stands, Hollins is my top choice, especially so with funding.
On the 23rd of February my Rutgers-Camden admissions email came.  I felt better about the whole cheating scenario, but then I began to doubt my ability as a writer.  Camden is in its second year as a program, would they accept me just because they wanted diversity and I am Russian?
On the 28th of February my Emerson admissions email came.  I felt better.
On the 9th of March my Iowa NWP rejection letter came.  I was expecting it.
On the 10th of March my Hollins admissions email came, with funding.  
On the 14th of March my Rutgers-Newark admissions letter came.  I think it is a mistake, because their program assistant told me they hadn’t made decisions yet, but who am I to doubt a letter?
I ran out of money for food, I have maxed out both of my credit cards (2k and 3k), I haven’t been able to get a job.  I am wary of calling my parents to tell them I need money for tuition and rent.
I emailed a craigslist advert poster about auditioning for porn.  Luckily, I didn’t get a reply.  I guess that means I’m not good looking enough for porn, a saving grace for my self-esteem.

4 thoughts on “It is the way it is

  1. Sorry to hear about the relationship breakup, but maybe this is just what you needed to be free to go after the best MFA program for you. Hollins is in a BEAUTIFUL location…that should be enough to make you forget about cheating girlfriends and careers in porn. 🙂 Congratulations! (from a fellow MFA blog poster)

  2. hi Denis, thanks for your comment ’bout my blog, and for your unwarranted faith in a stranger’s talent.If you want to follow a blog, like you mentioned, just go to your “Reading List” in the Blogger Dashboard and add in my URL. It’ll then update your reading list every time I post anew. Hope to see you drop by – and btw, if you’ve never lived in Jersey, I’d tell you to go to Hollins. Camden and Newark are harsh and gray, if you’ve only ever lived on the west coast. But that’s my two cents.

  3. congrats on all the acceptance letters. i am enjoying the brutal honesty of your blog. esp the last paragraph. i have done that, without following through, in desperate personal financial times as well! i found you because we are both members of the recently developed M2C2 writer’s forum from the MFA blog. 🙂 take care, hopefully see you in the forum!!

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