Relief

I haven’t posted anything about this yet because I’ve been really busy and in general haven’t felt a need to talk about it.

Jenny and I will never be together. I realized recently that I wanted to get back together with her, as together as we ever were, because I had made a mistake. I’d treated her badly and I had loved her and in some ways I realized that I wanted to not let her go without trying to fix things. Unfortunately, she’s moved on, and she’s also in England until late June, which makes communication, at least face to face, impossible.

In the past, I’ve always fought for what I wanted, even if it was ultimately a waste of time, because I have some unshakable arrogance, some faith in myself. I am very selfish. It was the same with previous relationships. I would always try to make it work, to convince the other that I was worth it, because somehow, no one ever is attracted to me, and I’ve always had to work at it. I’ve always had to force them to believe that I was valuable.

I realized that I no longer have any desire to fight, at least for love, acceptance, self-esteem. I just can’t spend the next month and a half trying to get her back, because although I think I could eventually win her back, I don’t believe it would ultimately be worth it. There’s always the issue of how much one person loves another, and in this case, she doesn’t love me, she doesn’t care, so I can’t do it.

She says we’re too different, but was it an issue last year? In a way, it was. She would sometimes drink too much when she was unhappy, or want to go out when I wanted to stay in. I thought that even though we were somewhat different, we were really good together. Really good. And I fought for it for awhile. How do differences that were tolerable four months ago suddenly become impossible to cross?

I’m very relieved now. I can finally stop worrying about whether she’ll sleep with someone else again, or what she’s doing. I can stop being jealous now that she’s flat out said we can not be together. Do you have any idea how liberating that is? She hasn’t done anything wrong because we weren’t really together when she left, but it was shocking.

I’m not a good person but I’m good at loving people. As selfish and insecure as I am, I am fully invested in that person. I think that after a certain period of time though, if I’m not seeing any reciprocation, I don’t keep going, I stop because I see that my time is being wasted.

I don’t think this post has said anything concrete. Oh well